Measuring Stick.

Today I was not the greatest Mom.
I'm just being honest.
This strep infection has thrown me for a loop, plus the side effects from the antibiotics have kicked in and I'm about one or two notches above functioning.
Excuses aside, I had little patience with my kids the past 24 hours.

What is normally the adorable sound of pitter patter of little feet sounded like a troop of elephants storming through the house. And every time I pulled myself off the couch it was only to discover more messes and more piles of toys. The day seemed to stretch on endlessly until finally I slopped some cold cereal into bowls, added a side of toast & called it dinner.

FAIL.
So I sit here and reflect on my attitude and pray with every fiber of my being that today is not the day my kids use to describe me as a Mom. And I humbly bow my head, asking for God's forgiveness. If there is way to add up all the "good Mom days" and subtract all the "bad Mom days" -- perhaps in the end, I'll tip the scales in the right way.

I ponder this because I've discovered a hard truth over the years....we all tend to judge people based on one particular circumstance or event.

You know, the way you still whisper to your BFF about that guy in your circle of friends who at one time, 15 years ago, was totally strung out on crack. Forget about the years of clean, sober living he has under his belt. He can't seem to escape his past.

Or the gal in your church who sings beautifully in the choir, but in the back of your mind, she wears the label of a man-chaser. Maybe she has had many boyfriends and relationships throughout her life, but God has redeemed her and set her free.

We judge others without the benefit of grace.
But beg for grace when the spotlight is shining inside our lives.

"Forgive our sins, as we forgive everyone who has done wrong to us."
Luke 11:3

Anniversary

Today marks a solemn day for my entire family.
One that changed the landscape of my heart & faith forever.

Twelve years ago today my beautiful niece Claudia fell asleep only to wake up inside the arms of Jesus.

It's impossible to capture the emotions of this day, so I won't mar it with useless words.
There continues to be so many questions that have no answers.
Today, I choke on the words, "Blessed be the God who gives & takes away."
Selah.

Grace

Me & my shadow have a morningtime routine of sorts. We are both the first to get moving in the mornings. I wake up stumbling around, looking for my glasses and grumbling all the way to the kitchen to turn the coffee pot on.

She on the other hand, wakes up bright eye & bushy tailed. Ready for the day. Ready for adventure. Ready for hearty conversations. (She obviously gets that from her father. Sigh.)

We've worked out a bit of a morning dance. Once the coffee pot is perking, I'll stumble into the bathroom & turn on the shower. She follows me into the bathroom, dragging the ever-present blankie & usually some doll/animal/creature she is calling her baby. I grunt & humph around, while she jibber jabbers excitedly about this or that. As I step into the steaming shower, she is arranging a little nest on the floor, where she spends the next ten minutes singing songs or talking to me the whole time I am fully waking up.

I love this! I absolutely do. I know there will be a day when she won't want to follow me around 24/7. That she'll roll her eyes at even the suggestion that we should spend some time together. So for now, I enjoy these moments, capturing them in my heart & memory.
.....................

A few evenings ago, I was very grouchy. And tired. Exhausted really.
And did I mention grouchy?

It was the end of a long day. I hurried through supper & was rushing the evening time bath ritual. Sister girl was not ready to take a bath. She wanted to play. She wanted to run. She wanted to cuddle her doll/animal/creature. She was not ready to take a bath.

Being the absolute meanie mom that I am, I picked her up & carried her to the bathroom. She WAS going to take a bath. Right now. This.very.instance. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Her normally happy mood changed. She did what unhappy 2 year olds do.
She screamed. She kicked. She cried. She stomped her feet.

My patience was gone. I was done. D.O.N.E.
So I applied all of my most awesome parenting skills & I threw a 38 year old momma fit.
GET IN THE BATH NOW.
DO NOT PASS GO.
DO NOT COLLECT $200.00.
DO NOT. DO NOT. DO NOT.
I AM IN CHARGE.
IF YOU DON'T BE QUIET, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!(Yes. I said it. The very phrase/words I hated from my childhood, they just errupted from someplace deep & dark & came out. I didn't just say it. I screamed it.)

Ashamedly, I'll confess, my fit throwing worked. (This time.)
She immediately hushed up, got into the bath. We rushed through the process & I put her into bed. Her compliance made me feel instantly contrite. I knew I had over-reacted. I was wrong. (Not wrong in saying that I was in charge. But very wrong in how I conveyed that I was in charge.)

Quietly I dressed her. Her blue eyes staring at me. As I laid her down, I knelt beside the bed & asked for her forgiveness. I apologized for yelling, for throwing a momma-fit. For loosing my cool & not being patient. Her little arms went around me & she gave me a wet, sloppy kiss.

Later as I closed my eyes for the night, my heart was heavy. I have so much to learn, to change, to improve on in this momma game. So.very.much. I've been here before. Whenever will I learn?


But the beautiful point I am trying to make is that the very next morning....

My little girl was happily playing on the shower rug as the warm steam filled the room. Giggling, singing, talking to me & her "baby." All of the unpleasantness from the evening before was erased.


Once again, my children are revealing so much about God to me.
I am blessed.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

A great cloud of witnesses

While I am not in the Catholic tradition of celebrating Feast Days, today I wish I was.

Just this week, my heart hurt a little bit while thinking & remembering our dear friend Rod. I miss that guy. It still takes me by surprise that he didn't get to meet my kids.

I've got a great group of folks waiting for me on the other side. Grandpa M, Claudia, Jonathan, Shera, Granny Yates, Cecil Phillips, GGrandma Maggie Jane, Rod, Lisa, Rita, Grandma M, Bev, Deana.

It is encouraging to think that they are cheering me on.

All Saints Day gives me reason to pause, to reflect and to be encouraged to continue in this race.

Time keeps on spinning, spinning, spinning

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity on this earth...

...a time to speak....
A year ago I was asked to do a workshop at WILD (Womens Institute for Leadership Development in sunny Myrtle Beach, SC. How could I resist? The sun! The sand! The pounding surf! The salty air! The beach is one of my favorite places. I said, "Yes! Sign me up!" The conference dates (October 16-18, 2009) have been circled on my calendar for months now.

One of the first persons I told about this trip was my BFF, Dee. I invited her to join me. We have been friends for 20+ years now & while we have done just about everything together (including big family vacations) we have never taken an entire weekend just.for.the.2.of.us. We have been so excited to spend this time together. In fact, we are flying down a day early, just to relax, hang out & have fun.

...a time to grieve ...
Two weeks ago Dee was diagnosed with Grade 3 Endometrial Cancer. This diagnosis has left us reeling. We are in shock, frightened & trying to process what this means. She is scheduled for a hysterectomy on November 3. The madness of all this is that she has never had children and wants nothing more than to be a mother. To say that I have cried a thousand tears could not possibly come close. And she has cried thousands more. I have lived in a state of constant prayer since she called me two weeks ago.

...a time to cry & a time to laugh...
I cannot help but feel that the timing of this trip has been orchestrated by God. I am hoping that our time together is peaceful, restful and that in the midst of our sadness, we will experience pockets of great joy. Some of my best memories in life have been spent with Dee. I am anticipating moments of deep laughter. In fact, the last road trip we took together, I laughed so much that I completely & totally lost my voice.

...a time to build up....
I am praying that throughout the weekend & the WILD worship services God will use this time to strengthen Dee's heart. That He will bless her socks off, giving her all that she needs in the days ahead. Having you join your prayers with mine would be most welcomed.


EDITED TO ADD POSTSCRIPT, Tuesday 10/13/09 11:05 AM
....A TIME TO REJOICE!!...... Dee just called me. The Doctor she went to at OSU for a 2nd opinion just called her. The pathologist at OSU diagnosed her cancer as GRADE ONE. To say we are rejoicing is the understatement of the year. God is so amazingly good. Her treatment will be much different (she'll have an MRI & be treated with medication, not a hysterectomy!!) We are so excited! So thankful! Much praise & rejoicing today!

Let the river flow

Last spring, my friend D.H. spoke with the Poppa about being baptized. It was her dream to be baptized in the Cranberry River. A place where she found much soul comfort & peace. It was where her family camped every summer and she loved being there. We tentatively made plans to join them on a camping trip and incorporate the baptism as part of our time together. However, summertime came & D. was not feeling well at all. She just couldn't shake her symptoms & as a breast cancer survivor, her doctors ordered several tests. The camping trip never materialized, although she spoke often of being baptized in this certain spot in the Cranberry River.

Early September, it was determined that the cancer was back. This time she was given a timeline. She bravely faced treatment with boldness. She was a fighter; her husband & two teenage children were in the battle with her. It was fierce. It was terrible. And it was heartbreaking.

In December, while Hospice plans were being made. Her husband tearfully asked Chris to baptize her. John remembered her dreams of being baptized in the Cranberry River and his voice cracked with emotion when he realized this was one of many dreams they had dreamed together that were not going to come true.

My amazing brother-in-law and sister-in-law made arrangements/drove the 2 hour drive to pick up a gallon jug filled with water from the Cranberry River. (I am in awe of their selfless spirits to do this. They truly gave over & beyond of themselves.)

I was in the hospital, standing on one side of her bed, her sweet husband on the other, when Chris opened the jug of water and lovingly sprinkled her forehead with the Cranberry River. It was a holy moment as he whispered, "In the name of the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit, I baptize you."

Her breathing was labored, her smile weak.
Just a few days later she woke up in the arms of Jesus.

~~~~~~~

Two weeks ago, her two teenage children stood before our church family & declared themselves followers of Christ. They gave testimony to their desire to follow Him. As part of this testimony, they wanted to share in believers baptism. And so, my husband brought them before our baptistry pool to signify their commitment.

But before they stepped into the pool, water from the same jug of Cranberry River water used in their mom's hospital room was mixed in.

And I cannot tell you how completely moving it was to hear the same words spoken over them, "In the name of the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit, I baptize you."

I was undone.
It all seem to swirl together, this life and the next. Life everlasting.
Joining with the church universal by giving witness to their new life in Christ by being washed in the water. The same water which also gave witness to their mother's commitment of following Jesus.

I witnessed their baptism while my arms were wrapped around my 4 year old son. And I prayed that just like my friend before me, my children would find relationship with the God I know & love. That this life will be joined by the next. Life everlasting.

Boundaries. I haz them.

Boundaries. I haz them.

Because I respect & care for the people in my life very much, I am making this post as general as possible. When the time comes for me to share more about the situations, I will do so.

Two people whom I love with every part of who I am are experiencing serious medical issues.
Just writing that sentence is making me cry.
I've cried alot the past few days.

I feel like I am entering another season of my life in which I will be wrestling with God to understand the solid truth of "it rains on the just & the unjust." It's a slipperly slope, trying to figure out the question, "Why does God allow certain things to happen?" If you haven't asked it before, I don't know how honest you are being with your faith.

I am not afraid to ask God questions, after all, I believe He has the answers.

The past three nights, rest has eluded me. Much tossing & turning.
Thinking. Praying. Worrying. Stressing.
This morning, I found comfort & peace in the promises of Isaiah 41:10:

Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you & help you.

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

And then I held as tight as I could to that hand all day long.