Boundaries. I haz them.

Boundaries. I haz them.

Because I respect & care for the people in my life very much, I am making this post as general as possible. When the time comes for me to share more about the situations, I will do so.

Two people whom I love with every part of who I am are experiencing serious medical issues.
Just writing that sentence is making me cry.
I've cried alot the past few days.

I feel like I am entering another season of my life in which I will be wrestling with God to understand the solid truth of "it rains on the just & the unjust." It's a slipperly slope, trying to figure out the question, "Why does God allow certain things to happen?" If you haven't asked it before, I don't know how honest you are being with your faith.

I am not afraid to ask God questions, after all, I believe He has the answers.

The past three nights, rest has eluded me. Much tossing & turning.
Thinking. Praying. Worrying. Stressing.
This morning, I found comfort & peace in the promises of Isaiah 41:10:

Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you & help you.

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

And then I held as tight as I could to that hand all day long.

This is where I struggle.

My "thorn in the flesh" can be summarized in one word: WORRY.

It's my pet. It's my friend. It's my constant companion.
Because I am the queen of hypotheticals, I am guilty of worrying about everything. I am in bondage to worry and the stress that comes along with it. I worry about my kids. I worry about my husband. I worry about my parents. I worry about my sisters. I worry about what could go wrong. I worry about what didn't go wrong.

"Cast your burdens on Me." is too difficult.
It's not easy for me to let go and trust God.
Trust that He will continue to work and provide and give needed grace.

I want preachers to preach on the BIG sins: greed, envy, lust, pride, sexual immorality, anger.
Amen! Amen! Amen!

Leave me and my secret struggle alone.
I can't imagine living without it. Really & truly.

But living with worry isn't easy. It's not pleasant. It's not peaceful. I'm tormented by over-thinking every situation to the nth degree. My mind doesn't shut down at night. My brow wrinkles deepen as I ponder things I have no control over.

Becoming a parent has only intensified the multitude of things I have to worry about. We had a bit of a stressful situation this week concerning the boy's health (he's okay really, but we were waiting for some blood tests to come back) and as I tossed and turned all night long, I came face to face with the raw truth that worry is eating away at my joy.

I am not fully operating in the fullness of God's grace. I recognize that. But I'm not exactly sure how to dig myself out of this black hole I have created. Thankfully, God is patient and kind with me. He has lovingly reminded me over and over and over again that I can trust Him.

I can trust Him.
I CAN trust Him.
I CAN TRUST Him!

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.

Proverbs 3:5 THE MESSAGE