A great cloud of witnesses

While I am not in the Catholic tradition of celebrating Feast Days, today I wish I was.

Just this week, my heart hurt a little bit while thinking & remembering our dear friend Rod. I miss that guy. It still takes me by surprise that he didn't get to meet my kids.

I've got a great group of folks waiting for me on the other side. Grandpa M, Claudia, Jonathan, Shera, Granny Yates, Cecil Phillips, GGrandma Maggie Jane, Rod, Lisa, Rita, Grandma M, Bev, Deana.

It is encouraging to think that they are cheering me on.

All Saints Day gives me reason to pause, to reflect and to be encouraged to continue in this race.

Time keeps on spinning, spinning, spinning

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity on this earth...

...a time to speak....
A year ago I was asked to do a workshop at WILD (Womens Institute for Leadership Development in sunny Myrtle Beach, SC. How could I resist? The sun! The sand! The pounding surf! The salty air! The beach is one of my favorite places. I said, "Yes! Sign me up!" The conference dates (October 16-18, 2009) have been circled on my calendar for months now.

One of the first persons I told about this trip was my BFF, Dee. I invited her to join me. We have been friends for 20+ years now & while we have done just about everything together (including big family vacations) we have never taken an entire weekend just.for.the.2.of.us. We have been so excited to spend this time together. In fact, we are flying down a day early, just to relax, hang out & have fun.

...a time to grieve ...
Two weeks ago Dee was diagnosed with Grade 3 Endometrial Cancer. This diagnosis has left us reeling. We are in shock, frightened & trying to process what this means. She is scheduled for a hysterectomy on November 3. The madness of all this is that she has never had children and wants nothing more than to be a mother. To say that I have cried a thousand tears could not possibly come close. And she has cried thousands more. I have lived in a state of constant prayer since she called me two weeks ago.

...a time to cry & a time to laugh...
I cannot help but feel that the timing of this trip has been orchestrated by God. I am hoping that our time together is peaceful, restful and that in the midst of our sadness, we will experience pockets of great joy. Some of my best memories in life have been spent with Dee. I am anticipating moments of deep laughter. In fact, the last road trip we took together, I laughed so much that I completely & totally lost my voice.

...a time to build up....
I am praying that throughout the weekend & the WILD worship services God will use this time to strengthen Dee's heart. That He will bless her socks off, giving her all that she needs in the days ahead. Having you join your prayers with mine would be most welcomed.


EDITED TO ADD POSTSCRIPT, Tuesday 10/13/09 11:05 AM
....A TIME TO REJOICE!!...... Dee just called me. The Doctor she went to at OSU for a 2nd opinion just called her. The pathologist at OSU diagnosed her cancer as GRADE ONE. To say we are rejoicing is the understatement of the year. God is so amazingly good. Her treatment will be much different (she'll have an MRI & be treated with medication, not a hysterectomy!!) We are so excited! So thankful! Much praise & rejoicing today!

Let the river flow

Last spring, my friend D.H. spoke with the Poppa about being baptized. It was her dream to be baptized in the Cranberry River. A place where she found much soul comfort & peace. It was where her family camped every summer and she loved being there. We tentatively made plans to join them on a camping trip and incorporate the baptism as part of our time together. However, summertime came & D. was not feeling well at all. She just couldn't shake her symptoms & as a breast cancer survivor, her doctors ordered several tests. The camping trip never materialized, although she spoke often of being baptized in this certain spot in the Cranberry River.

Early September, it was determined that the cancer was back. This time she was given a timeline. She bravely faced treatment with boldness. She was a fighter; her husband & two teenage children were in the battle with her. It was fierce. It was terrible. And it was heartbreaking.

In December, while Hospice plans were being made. Her husband tearfully asked Chris to baptize her. John remembered her dreams of being baptized in the Cranberry River and his voice cracked with emotion when he realized this was one of many dreams they had dreamed together that were not going to come true.

My amazing brother-in-law and sister-in-law made arrangements/drove the 2 hour drive to pick up a gallon jug filled with water from the Cranberry River. (I am in awe of their selfless spirits to do this. They truly gave over & beyond of themselves.)

I was in the hospital, standing on one side of her bed, her sweet husband on the other, when Chris opened the jug of water and lovingly sprinkled her forehead with the Cranberry River. It was a holy moment as he whispered, "In the name of the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit, I baptize you."

Her breathing was labored, her smile weak.
Just a few days later she woke up in the arms of Jesus.

~~~~~~~

Two weeks ago, her two teenage children stood before our church family & declared themselves followers of Christ. They gave testimony to their desire to follow Him. As part of this testimony, they wanted to share in believers baptism. And so, my husband brought them before our baptistry pool to signify their commitment.

But before they stepped into the pool, water from the same jug of Cranberry River water used in their mom's hospital room was mixed in.

And I cannot tell you how completely moving it was to hear the same words spoken over them, "In the name of the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit, I baptize you."

I was undone.
It all seem to swirl together, this life and the next. Life everlasting.
Joining with the church universal by giving witness to their new life in Christ by being washed in the water. The same water which also gave witness to their mother's commitment of following Jesus.

I witnessed their baptism while my arms were wrapped around my 4 year old son. And I prayed that just like my friend before me, my children would find relationship with the God I know & love. That this life will be joined by the next. Life everlasting.

Boundaries. I haz them.

Boundaries. I haz them.

Because I respect & care for the people in my life very much, I am making this post as general as possible. When the time comes for me to share more about the situations, I will do so.

Two people whom I love with every part of who I am are experiencing serious medical issues.
Just writing that sentence is making me cry.
I've cried alot the past few days.

I feel like I am entering another season of my life in which I will be wrestling with God to understand the solid truth of "it rains on the just & the unjust." It's a slipperly slope, trying to figure out the question, "Why does God allow certain things to happen?" If you haven't asked it before, I don't know how honest you are being with your faith.

I am not afraid to ask God questions, after all, I believe He has the answers.

The past three nights, rest has eluded me. Much tossing & turning.
Thinking. Praying. Worrying. Stressing.
This morning, I found comfort & peace in the promises of Isaiah 41:10:

Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you & help you.

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

And then I held as tight as I could to that hand all day long.

Love uses a kleenex.

Tonight around the dinner table, the Poppa pulled our Daily Family Bible Verse/Question card from the holder & read...

I Corinthians 13:5
Love does not demand its own way.
Love is not irritable.

Then he flipped the card over to ask the discussion question:

What does irritable mean?

To which the boy immediately replied "I know, I know, it means: Do not pick your nose!"

Me & my shadow.

As much as I love having a little boy, there is nothing that compares to having a little girl. She is truly heart of my heart. I adore her, she makes me laugh every day and stretches my heart in ways that I could never have imagined. I dream big dreams of her.

She follows me everywhere. And I mean everywhere.
If I'm in the kitchen, she's at the counter "helping" do dishes. If I'm in the laundry, she's jabbering away while folding (scrunching) clothes up. If I'm watching Judge Judy (a guilty pleasure) she's sitting there beside me laughing it up. When I put on makeup, she's got a set of brushes and some powder she likes to swirl on.

She's such a paradox. She's really, really loving. Very motherly. 90% of the time she's dragging a baby doll along with her. Her favorite person to take care of? Bubby. She makes sure he has milk to drink, snacks to eat, toys to play with. (She also is the first to whack him upside the head if the mood strikes, but then she soothes him, saying, "Sorry Bubby. Sorry Bubby. You ok?" over and over.)

I am so aware of my influence in her life. By the very way I am living my life I am teaching her BIG, BIG lessons. She will love her husband the way I love the Poppa. She will love herself the way I love myself. Silently, without saying a word, I am the one she will compare all things female to.

The power of this relationship scares me at times. I feel inadequate. Unprepared. There is so much of my life I need to repair, to fix, to correct. I cannot lead her in the way she should go. Many nights I fall into bed knowing that I have failed. I have not imparted wisdom. Tears fall from my eyes and I do the only thing I know to do in those moments.

I pray.
I pray very, very hard.

And if somehow, someway I can pass that one nugget of truth along to her........that in her moments of weakness & failure, there is a God who loves us beyond all human understanding........then I will have considered my parenting skills to be complete.

T.G.I.F.

Whew. I'm glad to mark this week off the calendar.
Some highlights in no particular order include:
....a large leak found under the shower in our bathroom, MAJOR $$$ & repair time needed...
....a notice informing me I had paid our house payment late (first time ever)...
....stood in the "express" 'lane for about 25 minutes...
....bombarded by interpersonal conflict with persons I really love & care about.....
....the dog pooped in the bathroom (three times).....
....went out with the 2 year old and did not have a pull up or wipes (will NOT elaborate)...
....was given the wrong bag of food at the drive through line...
....my kids seem to have a serious case of the grumblebees.....
....am finishing up a round of antibiotics because of an infection in my body....
....visited the Walmarts 3 times in 2 days & still forgot detergent....
....dropped a cup of hot coffee all over my shirt....
....killed a HUGE nasty spider in our basement....
....got stuck in a major traffic jam on the interstate on my way to work....

Often, it's the little things that rob our joy. This week it's been easy to see how much more grace I need in my life. It's doubtful that my FRUIT would have been very tastey in the above mentioned moments.

"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards,

our vineyards that are in bloom."

Song of Solomon 2:15

Perspective

Yesterday afternoon, I was renewed.

The weather was perfect.
A warm breeze was blowing.
And the sky so blue it took my breath away.

I looked up at the puffy, clean, white clouds and lost all track of where I was going and what needed to be done. I was still for a few minutes and allowed the beauty of the world around draw me in. Closing my eyes, I listened to the birds singing and drew in deep, cleansing gulps of fresh air.

And then I bowed my head in amazement to think that the God who painted the skyline with such magnificent, galloping clouds also formed every part of me that makes me Me.

He is such a good, good, GOOD God.
I just don't say that enough.

I'm a wanna..be

I want to..... never give up.
I want to care more for others than for self.
I don't want to desire what I don't have.
I don't want to strut, Or have a swelled head,
I don't want to force myself on others,
I don't want to always be "me first,"
I don't want to fly off the handle,
I don't want to keep score of the sins of others,
I don't want to revel when others grovel,
I want to take pleasure in the flowering of truth,
I want to put up with anything,
I want to trust God always,
I want to always looks for the best,
I never want to look back,
I want to keep going to the end.

(A Momma paraphrase of The Message I Corthians 13:4-7)

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Gasp! Has it really been a week since I've posted anything here? You must be hanging on the edge of your seats wondering what is happening to us? Ha! Ha!

Ahh, you know what they say about good intentions. I kept meaning to fill you in all the excitement that occurs 24/7 in our house. You know, like the grocery shopping and the laundry and the cleaning and the cooking and the working and the church attending and the laundry and the dog grooming and the kid wrestling and the yardwork and the laundry and the bill paying and the neigborhood meetings and did I mention the laundry?

If your life is anything like mine, the routine of our days seem to ebb & flow like the waves of the ocean. I wake up, pour the coffee, wake the kids, take a shower, kiss the husband, dress the kids, turn on cartoons, groom myself, kids to preschool, sit at my desk for a few hours, pick the kids up, make dinner, sort the mail, straighten the house, bathe the kids, go to bed; only to wake up the next day to do it all over again.

Ho.Hum. Mundane. Same ole' same ole.

EXCEPT:
If I were homeless, I'd think the routine was a comfort.
If I were dying, I'd find the routine to be healing.
If I were hungry, I'd declare the routine a blessing.
If I were lonely, I'd know the routine was love.
If I were broke, the routine would be so rich.

May God continue to help me find the extraordinary

all around me in this wonderful life I live.

A history lesson.

I was privelege to share this during the Friday night service @ the Culloden Campgrounds a few weeks ago.)

Culloden Campgrounds…

In 1969, my parents dated on these grounds.

In 1976, at this very altar, my dad, with my Mom by his side, was ordained as a minister of the gospel of Christ as part of the Wesleyan Church.

My entire childhood was spent in parsonages within the state of WV. My parents moved a few times, but the one constant for my sisters and I was the campgrounds of Culloden Camp. At least 3 weeks each summer were spent here (Youth Camp, Kids Camp & then District Conference & Camp.) Even now, when we are together, we spend lots of evenings staying up late, laughing and recalling good memories of people we loved & knew from our summers here.

In 1984, I was introduced to the Poppa at a youth camp. Truth be told, I didn’t like him very much at the time.

In 1985, that same young man at a youth camp service, was called into ministry here at this altar. Because of the workers at the camp, he then went on to attend United Wesleyan College & Southern Wesleyan College.

In 1993, the Poppa & I dated on these campgrounds. In fact, it was during Family Camp at the Milton Dairy Queen, he gave me his infamous marriage proposal.

In 1994, at this very altar, the Poppa, with me by his side as his new wife, was ordained as a minister of the gospel of Christ as part of the Wesleyan Church.

In 2001, at this same altar, with the Poppa by MY side, I was commissioned as a Lay Worker of the gospel of Christ as part of the Wesleyan Church.

And then in 2008, we brought our miracle babies to Family Camp for the first time. I wish I could fully describe to you their excitement at just being here. I wrote in my journal last August….
…10:15 pm and the boy just fell asleep. There is just something special….. dare I call it holy ground….. here at this place, this camp. Instinctively, without knowing any of the important history this place has played in his life, he feels safe & loved here. Life has brought us back full circle to these grounds. Through my children’s pure joy at being here, on the campgrounds, with these people, in this little house, I am being renewed & reminded of God’s faithfulness in my life……”from generation to generation” has been fulfilled in my life tonight……. My prayer is that this place will always be a place God uses to bring me & my family closer to Him……

Point to ponder

I recently watched a tv interview with Augie Nieto.
Augie is a very successful business man who has ALS.
He was speaking with some youth who were asking for life advice.
He stated:

"Life is a theater. There are a limited number of seats. Choose well in who you let inside your theater. Be especially careful who sits in your front row."

Powerful.

Walking by faith

The Poppa supplements our family income by teaching public school.
Teachers go back next Wednesday.
He does not have a classroom assignment yet for the school year.

This journey feels very familiar.

While we do not subscribe to the "Name it & Claim it" branch of christianity, there is something very powerful where we are right now. There is no other way, unless God makes a way. There is no door that can/will open until God opens it. There are very few options without God's provisions.

Thank you for praying with us. God's timing is always perfect.

This is where I struggle.

My "thorn in the flesh" can be summarized in one word: WORRY.

It's my pet. It's my friend. It's my constant companion.
Because I am the queen of hypotheticals, I am guilty of worrying about everything. I am in bondage to worry and the stress that comes along with it. I worry about my kids. I worry about my husband. I worry about my parents. I worry about my sisters. I worry about what could go wrong. I worry about what didn't go wrong.

"Cast your burdens on Me." is too difficult.
It's not easy for me to let go and trust God.
Trust that He will continue to work and provide and give needed grace.

I want preachers to preach on the BIG sins: greed, envy, lust, pride, sexual immorality, anger.
Amen! Amen! Amen!

Leave me and my secret struggle alone.
I can't imagine living without it. Really & truly.

But living with worry isn't easy. It's not pleasant. It's not peaceful. I'm tormented by over-thinking every situation to the nth degree. My mind doesn't shut down at night. My brow wrinkles deepen as I ponder things I have no control over.

Becoming a parent has only intensified the multitude of things I have to worry about. We had a bit of a stressful situation this week concerning the boy's health (he's okay really, but we were waiting for some blood tests to come back) and as I tossed and turned all night long, I came face to face with the raw truth that worry is eating away at my joy.

I am not fully operating in the fullness of God's grace. I recognize that. But I'm not exactly sure how to dig myself out of this black hole I have created. Thankfully, God is patient and kind with me. He has lovingly reminded me over and over and over again that I can trust Him.

I can trust Him.
I CAN trust Him.
I CAN TRUST Him!

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.

Proverbs 3:5 THE MESSAGE

Bathroom talk.

The boy has begun to pray "real" prayers at dinnertime & bedtime. We have always said a prayer together, so it's been a part of our routine his entire life. However, just recently he's branched out of the quoted prayers and created his own conversation with God.

This is what he prayed tonight:

Dear God:
Thank you for this good food.
Help us to have a good day tomorrow.
And please help sister not to pee her pants tomorrow.
Amen.